S1 Ep 3 Moving forward, not on
About the Episode
When I lost Carlos, I cycled through all the stages of grief, except acceptance. I don’t even believe in the stages of grief because stages imply there’s an order and a structure to grief. Grief tosses all plans, assumptions, and logic right out the window. It doesn’t care who you are, what you need today, or why you need it. In this episode, I acknowledge that reality and talk about ways we can move forward and not on. This podcast is for those of us trying to figure out how to do the impossible: grieve and living onwards while doing it.
Realities of grief
When I first became a widow, I was determined not to forget Carlos and never move on. I felt like if I let myself live, I would lose what we had together. I felt like living onwards was not an option; I was so afraid to lose him. I felt like if I lived onwards, it meant forgetting him, and I was unprepared to forget him. And so, I didn’t. I didn’t move on. I didn’t live onwards. I didn’t do any of those things. I grieved, I was angry, I was sad, and I felt like I was stuck in a cycle of grief that seemed never to end. I had no idea how to make it stop or if I wanted it to stop. At some point, though, I knew I couldn’t live like that, and I needed to figure out what it meant to be living onwards.
Moving forward, not on
Moving forward involves accepting that death is a part of life; it is inevitable and not something we can control to any degree. The hardest thing for me was having no control over cancer and, ultimately, death. I felt like I was watching a movie without control over the outcome. It was terrifying and exhausting. It is easy to feel like you have no control over the situation, but we control our actions.
It takes courage and strength to face this new reality, and it's utterly unfair since we never wanted to be here. The best thing you can do is be kind to yourself. Remember that you are not alone, and you have the strength within you to make it through. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this difficult journey.
The puzzle that is you
I saw an analogy in one of the grief groups, and it struck me as so true. Imagine that you have a puzzle on your table, put together, and you feel like you've solved it, or at least the pieces fit together. Suddenly, someone knocks the puzzle off the table, and the pieces fly everywhere. You find some pieces, then most, but you need help finding others. You can only assemble the puzzle if the pieces you need are all there.
Your life with your loved one is a puzzle, and with them gone, you can try and try to put that puzzle back together or try to believe that the puzzle is still whole, but it is not. That puzzle is gone, and that life cannot be remade. We must have the courage to start a new puzzle of our life, find the pieces we can find, or make new ones so we can be whole again. You will always remember that puzzle; you don't just forget it, but you are now working on a new puzzle. Find the pieces that make you whole, and make that puzzle beautiful.
How to find a path forward, to focus on living onwards
There are many pieces and parts to life, and it's overwhelming if we face it thinking of the following steps as something like 'make life better' or 'get more friends' or 'move to a place I can afford.' Those are valid for many people, but we have to start somewhere. So, start thinking about the steps or 'tasks' you need to do to build towards that goal. Make those tasks as small or as many as you need to; you might have 50 tasks to achieve any goal. If that is still overwhelming, make it 150 tasks to start somewhere. The most important thing is to start by setting achievable goals, even if they might seem small or minor to anyone else. They don't have to live your life; they might be a part of your tasks and goals, but you need to define how to go about living onwards yourself.
Stay positive and focus on the possibilities of embracing change rather than dwelling on potential risks or failures. If you have lost a loved one, it would be straightforward just to put your head down and hide from the world. That isn't what you want to do; deep down, you owe it to yourself to pick your head up and square your shoulders to face forward. Please do it for yourself, now and in the future. Find your motivation and cling to it, even if you have small motivations that you can focus on each day or hour.
Nothing about living onwards means you are moving on. The memories, the people, the photos, and the items are all still authentic and present in reality or your heart and mind. By facing life with grief, you are moving forward, not on. You are saying I am going to live with my grief; I am going to find a path forward for my sake and sanity. An essential part of that, for me, is to set realistic goals for myself every day. Sometimes, that goal is as simple as taking a shower and going out to get coffee alone. Sometimes, that goal is to get through the workday without crying. Other times, that goal is to get a good night's rest. To some who are not living with grief, that might seem super minor goal-wise, but most days, that is enough for me to feel like I lived life with my grief. I didn't fall to the floor curled in a ball crying; we'll call that a win.
Stepping stones toward your new reality
Viewing mistakes not as failures but as stepping stones towards progress is essential. Instead of dwelling on past blunders, please focus on the lessons they offer and use them as fuel for continuous growth. Remember, it's okay to stumble; what truly matters is how you rise more robust each time. I stumble, and I know you do, too, and I often get mad at myself when I do. I plan to turn that into thinking about what I could have done differently or whether I would change anything at all. Whatever you do, whether you change a thing, you can gain that wisdom and resilience we need to get through our grief journey, and everything else life throws at us. It allows us to break free from stagnation and evolve into better versions of ourselves.
The person you lost is no longer here to define you or guide you, for better or for worse. You are here, though, and owe it to yourself to step into living onwards.
What I can and cannot control
In a future episode, I will discuss learning what I can and cannot control. This 8.5 x 11 flyer hangs on my wall, and I thought I’d share it now. It reminds you what you can and cannot control. Sometimes, I need to remember these items when I’m most stressed.
The Living Onwards Podcast is available on all major podcast platforms, including Apple, Spotify, and Google Podcasts. Search for "Living Onwards" and hit the subscribe button to stay updated on new episodes. You can always listen to episodes directly on this website. Here we will always have a blog article expanding on the episode’s topic with notes and links to anything I might find interesting about the topic. More importantly, you can comment on the episodes and engage with me and others on this journey. There is also a form on the Contact Us page where you can contact me. If you have a topic to suggest for a future episode or would like to share your grief journey and tell others about your loved one, that form is a great place to start that conversation.
Fun pictures from the last couple days
