S1 Ep 4 Five Stages of Denial
Introduction
We know that grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, often marked by a series of emotional stages. You've heard a lot about the 5 stages of grief, and I've said before that I don't like the whole '5 stages of grief' thinking because it implies there are stages like a rocket launch or cancer, and you can go from one to the next but not back. Others call it the cycle of grief, which might be more accurate.
When faced with the loss of a loved one, it's common to experience denial as the first stage of grief. Denial acts as a protective shield, cushioning us from the harsh reality of our emotions. It's like our mind's way of gently breaking the news to our hearts. Denial is often associated with feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief. We may struggle to accept the reality of our loss, and we may even try to convince ourselves that it's not true. We may also find ourselves avoiding reminders of our loved ones or just pretending nothing has changed.
Understanding Denial
During this stage, we may find ourselves questioning the validity of what has happened. Thoughts like "This can't be real" or "It must be a mistake" often swirl in our minds. We might try to convince ourselves that things will go back to how they were before. Sometimes, I find myself just saying, 'This is so surreal', like it's an alternate reality I can't believe I found myself in and just want to go back or return from. Even though we know deep down that our loved one is gone, we struggle to accept the reality of it.
Denial allows us time to absorb the shock and gradually come to terms with the truth at our own pace. It's okay if you have moments of denial; it's totally normal, and so are you in your journey. You are surviving this the best you can, right? So don't rush yourself when you are in denial or realize you were in denial; just acknowledge it as a natural part of grieving and healing. In due time, acceptance will softly begin its approach.
Acceptance doesn't mean you are happy with the situation, but rather that you have come to terms with the reality of your loss. When I say come to terms with the reality of your loss, I also don't mean you agree with your loss. It simply means you've come to understand that your loved one is no longer physically present. Acceptance can take time, so don't worry if you're not there yet. Grief doesn't have a timeline or an expiration date. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be ok with losing Carlos, but I rationally accept that he is not physically present anymore. Does that make sense?
Exploring the Five Forms of Denial
So let's dig into the 5 forms of denial since we probably thought of it one way before we landed smack dab in it when we lost our loved ones. I'll be honest, I thought of denial as just a feeling and a thought. It was so much more when I started to really understand it. Or perhaps I won't claim to understand it but at least what I've learned through researching it. I think it helps to know this so we can recognize it in our own journey as well as in others who are grieving.
Let's start with the first form of denial - minimization, where we might downplay the significance of the loss and convince ourselves, "It's not that big of a deal " or "I'll get over it quickly." We may also try to minimize our feelings, telling ourselves things like "I'm not that sad" or "I should be handling this better". If you are minimizing your grief, be kind to yourself. You are human, and that's why you are doing it. Just be aware you have gone through an awful event and you owe it to yourself not to minimize the effect on you!
The second form of denial is avoidance, where individuals actively avoid reminders of their loss or refuse to talk about it. For me it's like I put up a shield, shutting those emotions behind a door and refusing to let it come out. The reality is that you can try to avoid grief, but it'll get you eventually and suddenly. Grief doesn't care about the walls you put up or about your trying to avoid it, it's going to find you wherever you are no matter how you try to avoid it. Do you remember boomerangs? You probably played with one as a kid, or maybe you do now. Grief is like that. It's like a boomerang, it'll come back to you no matter how far you try to throw it away. When we avoid grief, we simply delay the inevitable. We need to be patient and compassionate with ourselves, giving grief its space while also living onwards through our grief. If you've been avoiding grief, pick up your head, square your shoulders, and turn to face it whenever you can so that you can focus on moving forward with it as a part of your journey.
The third form of denial is intellectualization. Have you done this? Have you tried to rationalize your loss to protect yourself? I call it trying to logic the illogical. I am very guilty of this one because I am happiest when I am in control, and I pride myself on being logical over emotional. So, when we intellectualize grief, we try to focus on facts and logic rather than our feelings. Personally, I find that no matter how much I tried to do logic over emotion, I failed because the heart would scream back at my logic every single time. When we try to intellectualize grief we are trying to assert control over it, and grief isn't so easily controlled, is it?
The fourth form of denial is projection, where you project your grief onto others so you don't have to deal with your own grief directly. I'll give you an example or two since it helped me understand this form of denial better. Early on, at times, I worried about my cats and dog and their missing Carlos, their grief. I pampered them and cuddled them, sometimes so sad about their sadness over losing Carlos. Of course, in that example, I am projecting my own grief onto the pets and focusing my attention on helping them through their grief versus accepting that I needed to focus on mine. In that example, which is a real one, I didn't stay in that denial type for long, maybe an hour or two at a time, but it was a way to distract myself from my grief. What's an example of when you've projected your grief on someone else? One example I thought of was when I get so very sad about Carlos missing out on our daughter's life, his nephew's growing up, or other things he would have absolutely enjoyed. Is that projecting my grief on him vs on me? I'm not sure, and I'm curious what you think. On livingonwards.com and on the blog page for this episode, you can comment on the episode. I'd love to hear your thoughts there.
The fifth form of denial is Isolation. This form of denial I have witnessed in others who are grieving, where they withdraw from or avoid social interactions to shield themselves from confronting their pain. This is one form of denial I actively fight against myself, exactly because it's so easy to just want to stay home and not face the real world or your grief being triggered out there in real life. It's hard, right? Every time you go out and see someone who knows you lost someone, they might ask how you are doing. It's a dumb question, right? It's like you have to face your pain every time you see those people if they don't know how to approach you as you vs the person who lost someone. Or, going out to a movie, you might get triggered because of something in the movie, or maybe you and your loved one loved movies. In your home environment, you can control the triggers to some degree, so it's easier to stay at home and control your environment to try to control your grief. Guess what? I think you've heard me say a few times that you can't control grief wherever you are. Staying in bed or walking around the store, grief walks with you and you can't avoid it.
Minimization, avoidance, intellectualization, projection, and isolation, are the five forms of denial. I think if you'd thrown a pop quiz at me and asked what the five forms of denial are, I might have gotten two or three of them right. I will say that it's not about the words or the definitions of the forms of denial. This is about the reality that denial is very normal and it is our way of coping so we can try to navigate the complexities of our grief and loss. I think awareness is half the battle; by recognizing these different types of denial, we can begin to understand and address our emotions more effectively while we focus on living onwards.
How Denial Manifests
I think we all can agree that when grief strikes, denial can become a shield against the harsh reality of loss. I wonder what a psychiatrist would say about whether that would count as fight or flight. Maybe it's neither? You are just not facing it, so is it either fight or flight? I'll be interested in your thoughts if you share them at the bottom of this article in the comments. I read every comment, and reply to them. Anyways, denial may manifest as numbness or disbelief – a refusal to accept what has happened. It’s like your mind is trying to protect you from overwhelming pain by creating a temporary barrier. It's like your body is trying to process what your mind is refusing to acknowledge.
In our behavior, denial might lead to avoidance or detachment from the situation at hand. You might find yourself unable to talk about the loss or refuse to engage with memories that evoke painful emotions. You might outright avoid situations that may trigger reality so that you can keep on denying what has happened, keep denying your loss. Denial is obviously a coping mechanism that can serve as a buffer during the initial stages of grieving. It's your survival mode kicking in so that you can process, but you and I both know you can't live in denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt, a state of being, or a way of life. It's the opposite of reality, and reality will come to you eventually. I think for many of us, it also can be very brief and can happen more than once in our grieving process, and when we are confronted with the reality we tried to deny, it just hurts twice as much, doesn't it? Prolonged denial can hinder healing and acceptance in the long run; we have to face our emotions head-on so we can grow our understanding of our new reality amidst our grief.
Acceptance Through Awareness
Now that we know more about the stages of denial in grief, we might be able to recognize denial in ourselves and others we love. Your job is not to force reality on others, but to make it ok for them to face the reality of loss. Being aware of this ourselves allows us to confront our pain and continue on our grief journey; as we know now, this is a natural part of the process. I think this self-awareness enables us to navigate through grief with more clarity and resilience.
We need to learn to find a path toward living onwards despite the pain of our loss. We aren't moving on, we are moving forward. If you haven't listened to my episode about moving forward not on, you might want to check that out next. No, instead we are finding a way to carry that loss forward while still seeking joy in living. If we do that, we honor our experiences and allow ourselves to grow from them or perhaps in spite of them.
More importantly or perhaps most importantly, we give ourselves permission to grieve authentically and ultimately survive the challenges that come with our loss. If we deny this reality we can't do any of that, as we are stuck in a reality that no longer exists. You deserve compassion, understanding, and assistance as you navigate this journey called grief, and that is almost impossible to get if you deny you are on this journey.
Honoring Emotions
When it comes to grief, honoring your emotions is crucial. It's okay to feel sad, angry, or even numb. Embracing these feelings allows us to process the pain of loss and begin healing. Honoring our emotions means giving ourselves permission to grieve in our own way and at our own pace. There is no right or wrong timeline for mourning a loss – everyone experiences grief differently. We need to avoid suppressing our emotions or putting on a brave face for others. We should express how we feel authentically so we can navigate through the difficult stages of grief with more resilience. I think we all can agree that it's normal to experience a range of conflicting emotions simultaneously. Give yourself permission and space to sit with these feelings without judgment or self-criticism. By honoring our emotions, we are not only showing compassion towards ourselves but also paving the path toward eventual acceptance of reality and finding peace amidst the storm of grief.
Developing Coping Mechanisms
Different people will find different things to help them cope with their grief, and if one doesn't work, just try another. I think the biggest thing is to just do it and keep trying to find your coping mechanisms until you find what works for you. For example, sometimes getting involved with activities like painting, gardening, or nature walks helps distract you temporarily and provide a sense of peace. Sometimes coping mechanisms can come in the form of talking to loved ones or joining a support group where you can share your feelings openly without judgement. Mindfulness techniques are another coping mechanism some find effective, with meditation and deep breathing exercises helping to ground you in the present moment and redirect your thoughts from any anxiety or despair. Taking care of yourself physically by getting enough rest, eating well-balanced meals, and exercising regularly also plays a vital role in managing grief.
Your coping mechanisms will be true to you, and you'll know them when you find them. The hope is that you don't turn to bad coping mechanisms that will hurt you in the long run. Developing coping mechanisms takes time, trial, and error to find what works best for you. Be patient with yourself as you navigate living onwards; be kind to yourself friends!
As you navigate through the five stages of denial in grief, remember that it is a unique and personal journey. Developing coping mechanisms is crucial to moving forward and healing. Seek support from loved ones, consider therapy or counseling, engage in self-care activities, and allow yourself time to grieve. Embrace the emotions that come with loss and know that it's okay to not be okay all the time. Remember, grief is a process, but with time and resilience, you can learn to live life again after loss. Stay strong and take each day as it comes on your path towards survival.
Educating Oneself
In the journey of grief, educating ourselves about the process can be a powerful tool for healing and growth. By understanding the five stages of denial in grief and how they manifest emotionally and behaviorally, we can navigate their feelings with more awareness and compassion for ourselves and others. Everyone's journey is different, and this is the no-judgment zone; you do your grief, and I'll do mine the best we are able to do it. Learning about healthy coping mechanisms, seeking support from loved ones or professionals, honoring one's emotions, and developing resilience to move forward are all integral parts of living onwards.
Conclusion
Remember that it is okay to grieve at your own pace and in your own way. Each person's journey through grief is unique, but by facing denial head-on and embracing the process with self-compassion, we can begin to heal and eventually thrive again. Embrace the journey of grief as a path towards acceptance, growth, and ultimately finding peace amidst loss.
The Living Onwards Podcast is available on all major podcast platforms, including Apple, Spotify, and Google Podcasts. Search for "Living Onwards" and hit the subscribe button to stay updated on new episodes. You can always listen to episodes directly on this website. Here we will always have a blog article expanding on the episode’s topic with notes and links to anything I might find interesting about the topic. More importantly, you can comment on the episodes and engage with me and others on this journey. There is also a form on the Contact Us page where you can contact me. If you have a topic to suggest for a future episode or would like to share your grief journey and tell others about your loved one, that form is a great place to start that conversation.
