S1 Ep 5 Finding the Right Words: Comforting Hearts in Grief
Introduction
I will tell you, I always struggled with what to say to someone who is grieving, but I got better at it over the years. Sometimes, it is better to say less versus more and to do something than offer to help. Now that I am actively grieving the loss of my husband, I find that many don't know what to say to me or do for me. Or, worse, they say something stupid that is more hurtful than helpful. Whether you are grieving and want to hear about how to handle the words or offers of help that you have received, or you want to help someone who is grieving, this is the topic for you!
Let’s agree on a seemingly common-sense assumption, which is that no one is immune to the profound impact of grief. It's a universal experience that touches us all at some point in our lives. In times of sorrow, finding the right words to comfort those who are grieving can make a world of difference. Even when someone seems to be okay or strong or is handling their grief, we can always find ways to comfort them, even when they act like they don't need your comfort. Let's explore the power of offering support, kindness, and understanding through heartfelt expressions during moments of loss and sadness. Let's delve into how choosing the right words and actions can truly make a difference in comforting hearts in grief. If you are grieving yourself, let's dig into how you can receive comfort from others. No matter where you are now, grieving or comforting those who are grieving, the goal is to help eachother in living onwards.
Understanding the grieving process
One thing we need to be aware of when comforting one another is that grief is a complex and deeply personal journey that manifests differently for everyone. It's not a linear process with defined stages but rather a rollercoaster of emotions, from denial and anger to bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance. Each person navigates grief in their own way, influenced by their relationships, beliefs, and experiences. The grieving process can be unpredictable and overwhelming at times. One day may feel manageable, while the next could bring waves of intense sadness or numbness. It's essential to allow someone the time and space needed to mourn without judgment or pressure.
Often, as individuals move through grief, they may experience various physical, emotional, and psychological symptoms. These often change day to day as well, so even if someone feels fine or looks ok at a moment in time, that changes quickly. Never assume that because you saw them and they were doing great, they are doing great. Often, grief changes quickly, and these changes can include fatigue, anxiety, feeling guilty, sadness, hopelessness, and confusion about what the future holds. Grief is dynamic and not scripted or linear. If you are grieving, you know that how others see you heavily depends on how you are doing in the moment they see you. For those comforting others in grief, know that while the griever is living onwards, they are often just living or surviving moment to moment. So, in order to know how to support them, we all need to agree that there is no simple fix, no one thing you can do, or no magic wand you'll find to help support them in their grief. What you can do is equip yourself with an understanding of how you can offer comfort and support so that you can find the best fit for the moment your loved one is in during their grief.
Does that make sense to you? If you think of grief as a journey that is complex and unique, you'll know that the ways in which you come alongside to help will be unique as well. The ways in which you offer comfort and support do not need to be complex; however, sometimes simple is best, and as I said at the beginning, sometimes saying nothing but doing anything has far more value than just saying something to say something.
The importance of offering comfort and support
Offering comfort and support is crucial in times of grief. It provides a glimmer of light in the darkness that envelops someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. For those grieving, it's easy to feel alone or misunderstood as the world moves on despite the loss. Your stepping in to offer comfort and support in your unique way helps those grieving to know they are seen, their hurt is known, and that someone is there for them. Sometimes, it is a big help to make it clear in words and actions that you are aware, that you care, that you are ready to help in any way possible, and that you don't pretend to understand but are willing to learn what they need in order to focus on living onwards. If you are grieving, look for those friends and family who have shared that with you, even if they did it imperfectly. People want to help; they often don't know how to say or show it. The goal here is to communicate your heart and that you want to offer comfort and support and for those grieving to know who in their circle is offering that to them.
Simply being there for someone can make a world of difference. Your presence, whether physical or virtual, shows that you care and are willing to provide a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes, it's not about finding the perfect words but about showing empathy and understanding. We often hesitate to intrude on someone grieving, and when we are grieving, we don't want to burden others with our grief. Guess what? People want to help, and you are not a burden if you are grieving. For those who can help others, please think of how to comfort them in the least intrusive way. Please don’t insert yourself into the situation, but be there for the person in the situation and grieving. How do you do that, you ask? Well, let's talk about that.
Try this: Listen attentively without judgment, and allow those you are comforting to express their emotions freely. It creates a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism or dismissal. Your willingness to listen speaks volumes about your compassion and support. Just to remind you, your role here is not to solve or fix their grief. You are not capable of doing that, but you are capable of listening and supporting them in their journey. If you are grieving, don't expect others to fix your grief or solve issues for you, but rather share with them your grief and challenges and make specific asks if you have them.
Another idea is to make small gestures like sending a heartfelt card, preparing a meal, or offering assistance with daily tasks. This can show that you’re genuinely wanting to help ease their burden during this difficult time. If the person has kids, offer to pick them up from school or take them to activities. Acts of kindness go beyond words and demonstrate your love and concern in tangible ways. This gives you an opportunity to help in natural ways while also giving the person grieving time to grieve or do something for themselves. If you are the one grieving, please say yes to these offers of help even if it seems like you are burdening the person offering. Please give them the opportunity to help you, and know that they're comforting you and are helping not only you but them as well.
Generally, remember that offering comfort and support isn't just about saying the right things; it's about genuinely caring for someone who is hurting. By extending kindness and understanding, you can help lighten their load as they navigate through the rollercoaster of emotions that come with grief. If they say no or don't answer, don't take it personally and try again. Remember what I said earlier: grief is complex and not a moment in time; the next time you offer or reach out may be different than the other times you reached out. It's not personal to you if the person grieving doesn't say yes or respond often. They are in their own world, just trying to focus on living onwards, and next time, they may be in a better space and able to accept your offer of help or comfort. Don't give up on comforting someone grieving, and if you're grieving, accept it whenever you can.
Choosing the right words to offer condolences
I know that often words seem inadequate, but they have the power to offer solace and reassurance. Do you remember that old saying, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can't hurt me?' Well, we all know that is patently untrue, that words can hurt. In turn, words can comfort and reassure us. So when we think of our loved ones who are grieving, know that you can reach them with words, and sometimes it takes time for words to get through.
When we comfort someone in grief, choosing the right words can make all the difference. It's essential to be sincere and genuine in our expressions of sympathy. Avoiding clichés or empty platitudes is critical; instead, opt for heartfelt sentiments that genuinely reflect your empathy and understanding. You may have lost someone before, but no one can understand another person's exact story or grief journey. Don't approach it as if you know or have the right path forward; join the grieving on their path and comfort them where they are. If you don't know what to say, simply acknowledging the pain and loss they are experiencing can provide comfort in itself. Simple phrases like "I'm here for you" or "I don't know what to say, but I am so sorry" can convey a sense of support without trying to minimize their feelings. Sometimes, just offering a listening ear can speak volumes more than any words could. Be comfortable with how they express their grief; at times, sitting with someone without speaking or any expectations of them is more important than what you say or do in that moment.
Remember, there is no perfect thing to say that will magically erase their pain. However, showing up consistently and being present during their grieving process speaks louder than any well-crafted sentence ever could. Your presence alone can be a source of solace and strength during such difficult times. If you do offer to help, could you think through how to make it as low an effort as possible for the person grieving? They are in survival mode; don't expect them to help coordinate or solve logistics. Ask if they would be okay with you making some decisions and handling a situation, and do it if they allow it.
If you are grieving, do not feel you have to host or otherwise entertain others. You are on your journey towards living onwards, moving forward, and not on. When someone expresses their will to help you, help them understand how they can help. I had several times someone would call and leave a voicemail asking for a callback, and I knew I needed help managing a call or was talking to very few. I then texted them and communicated precisely that I heard their message or saw their call but just needed to be up to talking on the phone. The people who genuinely want to offer you comfort will understand that is how they can comfort you via text vs. call and adapt accordingly. There's a saying that says, 'Never let a soul who hasn't walked in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces.’ When you are grieving, be firm in telling others what you need, how you need it, and when you need it. True friends and good family will adapt and understand, finding a way to connect with you where you are vs where they think you are.
Common phrases to avoid saying
Let's talk about what to avoid saying. This can be a hard one. As someone grieving, I've heard some dumb things said to me. As someone giving comfort, I've said dumb things, too. Humans seem to need to fill silence, and we don't think about how our words will be taken. When offering condolences to someone who is grieving, it's essential to choose our words carefully. While we may have the best intentions, some phrases can unintentionally cause more pain than comfort.
I have a simple rubric for you that I saw online: Before you speak, THINK. T stands for Is it True? H stands for Is it Helpful? I stand for Is it Inspiring? N stands for Is it Necessary? K stands for Is it Kind? Of course, that isn't directly applicable to grief, but it does help you filter your words in almost any situation. For those of us who are Christians, Philippians 4:8 guides us to focus only on saying and doing what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Between the two, I hope you know that the point is to really think through what you say and whether it is the right thing to say. If you have any doubts, don't say anything at all.
I’ve created these two items you can print, if you’d like the reminder.
Avoid clichés like "Everything happens for a reason" or "He is in a better place now." Others to avoid are "At least he did not suffer,” "Aren't you glad she did not have to suffer through chemo/surgeries/treatments,” "She is finally in peace," "What did he get when his mom died? I might want to get it back when he's gone". These statements might come from a good place but can feel dismissive of the person's grief. Never say 'you are so strong' or 'you are doing all the right things' to someone grieving. They are surviving and not thriving. They do not need your platitudes about how they are doing because they know exactly how they are doing, and you do not.
Try not to compare their loss to yours or others. Each individual's experience of grief is unique and shouldn't be minimized by saying things like "I know how you feel" or "It could be worse." This is particularly bad when someone compares their divorce to the death of a spouse or the loss of a pet to the loss of a loved one. You do not understand the level of grief if you do that and are inserting yourself into their grief by making comments like that. Comfort the other person in their loss, not compare yours to theirs. I find it difficult myself when people say that they understand because they lost their mom or dad, as my husband was my constant, ever-present partner in life. In turn, if you are grieving the loss of your parent, I can't pretend I understand your grief totally, as both my parents are alive. Instead, I can hear you in your grief and come alongside you to the best of my abilities.
Avoid offering unsolicited advice, such as telling them how to grieve or what they need to do to move on. Everyone processes loss differently, and imposing your thoughts on them may not be helpful. Instead of trying to find silver linings or reasons for their loss, focus on simply being there for them with empathy and support. Sometimes, just listening without needing to fill the silence with words can speak volumes. Sometimes, there is no answer for the why questions or answers at all; don't try to answer the unanswerable.
Examples of comforting and meaningful words to use
When offering words of comfort to someone grieving, it's essential to be genuine and heartfelt. Simple phrases like "I'm here for you" or "You're in my thoughts" can go a long way in providing solace. Expressing empathy with statements such as "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I am here to listen" shows understanding. Here are a few more examples of comforting and meaningful words to use: "I wish I had the right words to say, but I don't; I am here to support you regardless."
Sharing memories of the loved one who passed away can bring comfort and warmth. Saying things like "I will always remember when..." or "She was such a kind soul, just like you" helps keep their memory alive. It helps those grieving to know their loved one will not be forgotten and that the memory of them is fundamental to others who knew them.
Acknowledging the pain by saying, "It's okay not to be okay right now," validates their emotions. Reassuring them that it's alright to grieve in their own time and way is essential. Phrases like "Take all the time you need" or "There is no right or wrong way to feel" offer support without pressure. Offering practical help with statements such as "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you" shows kindness and love during difficult times.
It is tough for someone grieving when they see others go silent when they mention their loved one’s name or memories of them. When the person was alive, you would have been comfortable talking about that person; why hesitate when they are gone? If the person grieving wants to talk about them, put yourself in their shoes and talk about their loved one, too. I know I want to talk about Carlos and share memories, but sometimes it's awkward when I do because people don't know what to say. That's hard. I feel like I can't share, which is all I want to do because I no longer have him here to share my thoughts and memories with him.
Showing empathy through actions
When someone is grieving, words may not always be enough to convey comfort and support. This is where showing empathy through actions can truly make a difference. Simple gestures like offering a hug, preparing a meal, or running errands for them can speak volumes without saying a word.
Taking the time to listen attentively and allowing them to express their feelings can show that you genuinely care about their well-being. Offering practical help, such as assisting with funeral arrangements or childcare, can ease their burden during this difficult time. Sometimes, just being with them without any expectations can go a long way. It was important to have space for myself, but also friendship or companionship when the silence was too loud. I will do a future episode on the silence being so loud, as that is particularly hard for those of us grieving.
Additionally, sending thoughtful cards or flowers can serve as tangible reminders of your love and support. Small acts of kindness like checking in regularly or simply being present when needed can go a long way in showing that you are there for them unconditionally.
You should also pay close attention to your habits and how you've interacted with the person grieving before their loss. Treat those grieving like you always have; they need you and the relationship you had before, not pity or to be treated like a child. If you did lunch, dinner, coffee, or events together, don't stop inviting them even if they've said no. They need to get out of the house, and at some point, they will say yes. Your consistent connection, even when they are struggling, will help them as they try to focus on living onwards. Don't give up! I have several friends who make a point to invite me here or there, even if I say no most of the time. They have empathy and compassion, so they continue to invite me and reach out. When we do connect, it is very special to me and exactly what I needed then. Don't give up; the person you care about is still in there despite their grief; sometimes, you have to reach them where they are, and they'll reach back when they can.
Demonstrating empathy through actions not only validates their emotions but also strengthens the bond of understanding and compassion between you and those who are grieving.
Supporting loved ones through their grief journey
When a loved one is navigating the turbulent waters of grief, your support can be a beacon of light in their darkest moments. Simply being there to listen without judgment or offering a shoulder to lean on can make all the difference. Never judge a person who is grieving by what they say, especially if they are in shock and grieving. You may not truly understand the meaning of their words or why they said what they did at that moment. Sometimes, words may fail to convey the depth of emotions experienced during times of loss. In such moments, actions speak louder than words. I remember that I got some flowers out of the blue a week or two after Carlos died, and that meant the world to me. Don't overthink your gestures of support; just do something and continue. Your friend or loved one who is grieving isn't on a timeline, and their journey isn't short, so don't make your support short or only immediately after their loss. They need you long into the future, especially while they focus on living onwards.
Grief is an individual journey with no set timeline or roadmap. It's essential to respect each person's unique process and pace as they navigate through their emotions. Your presence and understanding can provide solace and comfort when words fall short. Small gestures of kindness and compassion can have a profound impact on someone who is grieving - whether it's checking in regularly, sharing fond memories of their loved one, or simply sitting in silence together.
Remember that supporting someone through their grief journey isn't about having all the correct answers; it's about showing up consistently with love, empathy, and understanding. I enjoy a nice dinner with family or friends, where I am treated as me, not a grieving widow. Sometimes, I want to share about Carlos and hear about him from others, and sometimes, I want to be "just me." Be sensitive to the needs of those grieving, wherever possible. You won't always get it right, and that's okay as long as you are authentically you.
Conclusion
Offering comfort and support through the right words and actions is crucial in times of grief. Understanding the grieving process and being empathetic towards those who are mourning can make a significant difference in their healing journey. Choose your words carefully, avoiding common phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain. Instead, opt for heartfelt and meaningful expressions that convey your love, kindness, and understanding.
Remember to be patient with those who are grieving, as everyone processes loss differently. Your presence and willingness to listen can provide immeasurable comfort. By offering genuine empathy and unwavering support, you can help ease the burden of grief for those who need it most. I know that, at my loss, I found out fast who is authentically empathetic or just offering platitudes because they felt like they had to do or say something. If you can't be authentic or do something to make yourself feel better about yourself, don't do it at all. The people grieving need to know who they can count on and know they are not alone; being inauthentic can only worsen their feeling of isolation or feeling different than they were before.
I know I hope to be a source of solace and strength for everyone dealing with grief; I hope you will be able to do the same for others. Let's continue to uplift each other with compassion, love, and understanding as we walk alongside our loved ones on their grief journey. Together, we can make a difference by comforting hearts in times of sorrow. Today, you could be standing next to someone who is trying their best not to fall apart. Whatever you do today, do it with kindness in your heart.
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Final Thoughts
In times of grief, the right words can offer solace and support to those who are hurting. Understanding the grieving process and the importance of offering comfort is crucial in providing meaningful assistance to loved ones navigating through loss. Choosing words that convey empathy, love, and kindness can significantly change how we comfort those in mourning. It's essential to be mindful of common phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain than relief. By showing empathy through both words and actions, we can truly support our loved ones as they journey through their grief. Offering a listening ear, a helping hand, or simply being present speaks volumes when someone is struggling with loss.
Let us remember that while no words can fully erase the pain of grief, genuine expressions of care and understanding can bring light into dark moments. Let us continue to extend compassion and support to those around us as they navigate their unique paths of healing after loss.
For those grieving: Remember that the things that have hurt you, broken your heart, and made you cry with pain, grief, and even rage are the very same things that have made you more human, more compassionate, and more able to help lift others into the light of unconditional love. That’s the one thing we all desperately need and the most significant, life-changing gift we can offer. That said, I know grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is ok, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain. I know, I see you. Be kind to yourself, my friend.
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